The Name of the Game Is “I Win”
To those that suspect I stopped updating because I’m hard at work on that whole Advertising thing I do, you’re right. Here are the fruits of my labor.
Suddenly my competitiveness as a personality trait is a benefit, in contrast to childhood, where I was the kid that ended Risk games early by shouting “Blitzkrieg!” and wiping my arm across the board.
Movie Pet Peeves
Normally I can ignore small discrepancies in my favorite movies and television shows. It makes the viewing experience much more pleasurable if you ignore the little things, such as the tendency of various motor vehicles to explode as if they were filled with jet fuel. Just sit back and enjoy the overkill. However, there are a couple of things that consistently pop up in movies and TV shows that drive me up a wall. I present, my movie pet peeves…
Peeve #1: Full-Grown Man Beaten/Outwitted by Non-Full-Grown Man
Chances are, you can already rifle off a handful of movies guilty of this. A ninety-pound swimsuit model takes out a 300-pound body builder with a single karate chop. (Alias, Charlie’s Angels, Tomb Radier). A baby or small child manages to outwit a fully-grown and mentally capable adult. (Home Alone, Baby Geniuses). This occasionally happens with animals too. (Dunston Checks In, Mousehunt). I will admit that I have a soft spot for Home Alone, but I chalk this up to Kevin ultimately getting caught by the robbers and requiring help from his neighbor. (If I just spoiled the ending for anyone, sorry… that you still haven’t seen this movie). I can normally let these things slide for kids movies, but I feel like my intelligence is being insulted when a woman in a skimpy dress and high-heels defies physics and conventional wisdom as she dispatches a small army. It’s downright silly to assume that a sentry guarding the entrance to an international terrorist cell wouldn’t be thinking “Hey, this is somewhat suspicious” instead of “Boobs?!” when a scantily-clad woman just walks up to him.
Peeve #2: Fake Keyboard Typing
Nothing spoils my suspension of disbelief more than when a so-called computer hacker types commands on his keyboard like a gorilla might play whack-a-mole with its hands. It’s the 21st century equivalent of old black and white movies where an actor “drives” by jerking the wheel back and forth, and the projected environment behind him stays in a straight line. When actors lazily pound on their keyboards like they’re playing the piano it makes me question the legitimacy of the tech-speak they’re spouting out as well.
Peeve #3: Zoom in. Enhance. Voila!
Anyone that has tinkered around with Photoshop before can attest to this annoyance. The actor takes grainy, poor-quality, security footage of the killer, presses a couple of keys on the computer and somehow renders a photo-realistic image of the perpetrator. Things don’t work this way. Pixels don’t contain any hidden data, and blowing up the image size of a fuzzy image will only result in a larger, fuzzier image. I’m looking at you, CSI, CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. It’s especially annoying when the actor uses this method to get a completely smooth image of a tattoo or other unique marking that they missed when they previously met the bad guy in person.
In keeping with my techie-themed pet peeves, I’d like to point out that nobody seems to use the Windows or Apple Operating Systems. The computer monitor always displays a strange program that seems programmed by someone with zero technical know-how or sense of layout.
There. Now that I’ve got that out of my system, these pet peeves can start bothering you more than me.
Devolving Philosophical Arguments
Just when I start to think philosophy papers are getting boring, I’ll come across an argument by one philosopher about another that basically amounts to a seventeenth century equivalent of a “Yo Momma” joke. Bloggers and the like have been bemoaning the death of modern political debate ever since Crossfire first aired, but I would to argue that intellectual debates have always had a tendency to devolve into silly personal attacks, albeit with a slightly more sophisticated tinge than today’s television personalities.
Thomas Hobbes (of Calvin & Hobbes fame), in possible response to St. Augustine’s argument for theology:
“And they that make little or no inquiry into the natural causes of things, yet from the fear that proceeds from the ignorance itself of what it is that hath the power to do them much good or harm are inclined to suppose, and feign unto themselves, several kinds of powers invisible, and to stand in awe of their own imaginations, and in time of distress to invoke them; as also in the time of expected good success to give them thanks, making the creatures of their own fancy their gods.” (Oh, snap!)
It might also be a good time to mention that the best known philosophers wrote their greatest work before the concept of a run-on sentence was debuted.
United We Yell and Clap
Anyone who has gone to school sporting events with me can vouch that I rarely concentrate on the game play. Actually to be fair, I rarely concentrate on any one thing for a fixed period of time. So many stimuli, so little time.
At one of our last home games I turned by thoughts towards the collective clapping and cheering of the crowds. Is it possible for every person in the stadium to perfectly time their clap so that the sound waves sync up and create a super-amplified sound wave? It would be like two waves hitting the beach at the same time, but on a magnified level.
Granted, it would be impossible to get tens of thousands of people to clap at precisely the right time. Keeping the crowds in rhythm during cheerleader bits is hard enough. Perhaps if a speaker were placed in every seat in the stadium, and then synced up with a computer to clap at the right time. If this effect is possible, I wonder how many people clapping at the right time would be needed to, say, shatter the glass backboard with the resulting sound wave?
My guess is that a similar effect could be achieved if every attendee managed to yell at the same pitch. Every now and then the students will attempt it, but apparently hitting the same tone is a deceptively difficult task for young adults.
So maybe this effect is unachievable, but it won’t stop me from imagining a scenario in which the crowd collectively ruins the at-the-buzzer shot for the visiting team.
“Extreme” Marketing
Powerthirst!
This is one of my favorite viral videos to hit the ‘Net in the past year. It reminds me of walking into a GNC and seeing the labels on every muscle-gaining supplement — “Energy! Science! Energy!” As if shouting chemistry terms or writing in a bolder sans-serif font than a competing brand really grants it legitimacy.
What peaked my interest enough to post this are two very similar videos that showed up within the past couple months. Depending on how you want to interpret it, they either copy or pay homage to the original Powerthirst video.
The first is a real advertisement for a Ford dealership in Texas. I can only assume that either the owner of the dealership is a fan of viral videos, or the local agency that produced the ad, Cornerstone Media Inc., has a very convincing pitchman. I’m sure the spot managed to grab the attention of local Texans, but something tells me the “extreme” marketing didn’t quite resonate with people looking to buy trucks. I love the “Trucktober!” quip, but it doesn’t make me want to buy a truck, just a beer for the guy that came up with it.
The second is the first in a series of viral online ads for an energy drink called “Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator“. Fans of the movie Idiocracy will recognize Brawndo as the fictional (until now) Gatorade-type sports drink of the future, which employs half of the American population, buys the FDA, and replaces water as the substance we use to water our crops. I could talk for hours about the genius of Mike Judge’s movie, but perhaps I’ll save it for another time. What I will say is that “extreme” marketing in this case is spot on. The jokes just lend themselves to selling an energy drink dubbed “The Thirst Mutilator” rather than pick-up trucks.
A recruiter from the ad agency Crispin Porter + Bogusky came to speak at Syracuse a couple weeks ago. He argued that we’re entering an age where so called “intrusive” advertising is becoming easier and easier to ignore. There are few new places to reach people where they least expect it, and it’s difficult to come up with messages that intrude on someone’s daily routine without being annoying. I can’t necessarily speak for anyone else, but pop-up ads on my favorite websites usually result in my having a lesser opinion of whatever brand just plastered a dancing animation on top of the article I was trying to read.
The solution, as our speaker described, is “inclusive” advertising. It means that ads should be inviting consumers to be part of the joke, and that if the message is right, people will seek out the product on their own time instead of being bombarded with it unwillingly. To my friends who are reading this, congratulations. You’re now a more cynical consumer.
For a few quick examples of “inclusive” advertising, check out Coke Zero’s TV spots where hidden cameras record the reaction of real Coke lawyers after being questioned whether the company can sue itself, Burger King’s subservient chicken website and Xbox games, and Smirnoff Raw Tea’s Tea Partay viral ads.
Words can’t describe how well the Brawndo brand fits in with the Powerthirst videos. My friends up in Boston managed to track down some of this sweet, god-like nectar. And despite having already seen the viral ad, I naively asked how it tasted… Stupid. Responses: “It’s like having SEX with a TRACTOR TRAILER in a parking lot!” and “It’s like a MONSTER TRUCK you can pour into your FACE!”
It’s like a marketers wet dream. And I know I’m being slightly manipulated by these viral ads, but as long as they keep cranking out absurdly ridiculous ads, I’m on board. In the meantime, enjoy the slightly less intellectual things in life.
Not So Insightful Insights
From my experience going to various concerts, I’ve learned two things:
1) If you’re a guy and you’re crowd surfing, you’ll probably be dropped.
2) If you’re a chick and you’re crowd surfing, you’ll probably be groped.
Super Bowl Ad Recap
Where to start? Super Bowl ads have been something I’ve looked forward to ever since I first saw the croaking Budweiser frogs. You know when people say that they only watch the Super Bowl for the ads? I’m that guy. Although to be fair, this year I was also watching my team (Go Giants!), resulting in zero extra time for bathroom breaks. In retrospect, mass consumption of party snacks and soda is a terrible idea when your plan is to avoid the bathroom.
Top honors go to Doritos, Tide, FedEx, and Vitamin Water. Honorable mentions for Diet Pepsi Max and Audi. And “Worst of Show” goes to SalesGenie.com with a close second by GoDaddy.com. And now for the break down.
Doritos: Off to a less than mediocre start by spotlighting some singer/songwriter with a guitar. I’m always up for discovering new music, but the promotion smelled like corporate exploitation from the beginning. It was just enough time for me to decide that I hated the song. Doritos redeemed itself a couple of commercial breaks later with my absolute favorite ad from this year’s Super Bowl.
What could have been a Bud Light-esque, humorlessly predictable, slapstick piece was saved by the perfect timing and art direction. I found out later that this was the winner of a fan-based contest. If Doritos can continue mining the masses for comedic gold, I’ll gladly go along for the ride.
Tide: There’s something about passionate gibberish that makes me laugh. You could dub it over the most emotional part of a dramatic movie and still get me in tears.
FedEx: I have to give kudos to the consistently quirky sense of humor of FedEx. I also have a soft spot for any ad that can sell a product by depicting utter chaos and destruction. Now if Coor’s would only have that silver bullet train actually hit something when it speeds down busy city intersections… I’d like to point out that the manager is also the mortician on Pushing Daisies, a spectacular show, and the infamous Wilhelm Scream can be heard toward the end.
Vitamin Water: Mad props (homie) go to the director of this spot for finding a way to use Shaq’s endorsement without relying on his negligible acting abilities. Anyone who’s unfortunately seen Kazaam or the Icy Hot Patch commercials knows this. Instead, just having him grit his teeth and try to look serious turns out to be the best use of the Shaqster.
Losers: If it weren’t for the truly terrible commercials, we would never be able to appreciate the good ones quite as much. I can never wrap my brain around how so many people involved in the process of brainstorming, writing, execution, and signing off on the final product can so completely miss the mark.
GoDaddy.com is still operating under the assumption that the common folk still remember their “scandalous” ad from three years ago. I have some trouble believing that the people who visit the GoDaddy website to see a strip tease by Danica Patrick will be the same people purchasing domain names.
SalesGenie.com. Wow. Brings us back to the days of good ol’ fashioned racism to sell a service. I don’t know how they slipped this past the producers at FOX, who, mind you, conservatively brought in Tom Petty for the halftime show to counteract Prince’s phallic-tacular last year.
Unanswered questions: What exactly is the “Coke side of life”? Will Bud Light ever produce an ad that doesn’t have someone getting kicked in the balls or falling down as a punchline? How do CG lizards dancing to Thriller tie into flavored water? Is it possible for Will Farrell to ever not be funny? Conversely, how long will it take the people at Bud Light and Comedy Central to realize that Carlos Mencia is not funny to college students, and has already been called out several times for stealing other comedians’ jokes?
And that’s the wrap-up. More updates on the way!
